Life’s been okay, could be better without all the negative thoughts, but there are getting lesser to be fair, mostly because I try to observe only without reacting or following them. Sometimes I still do, but could definitely feel more control on my side now, instead of drowning in the endless-overwhelming thoughts, which only lead to a bad vision.
The more I observe them, the more I realise thoughts is only thoughts. It doesn’t really mean anything. It should not define me, nor my reality. And they changing all the time. At this moment it might be thinking this way, and immediately change to another the next second. Weird, for my whole life I have been following these nonsenses. Good that I started to aware of it. Awareness, so I would have chance to come out of it.
I still feel worried about things that’s yet to happen, but more awareness along the way. Whenever I am lost in my own thoughts, there’s a chance I could come out of it.
What’s making this change? Probably Vipassana meditation (which takes 2 hours per day to practice), probably 不解释, or even the determination to know what life really is. So grateful for all the wisdom that comes to my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Besides that, I feel like sharing this change in me. Previously I have really strong clinging and ego when it comes to picking, that is contract job, so the more you pick the more you earn. I don’t like picking with other strangers because I always feel like they gonna earn the money that could have belonged to me. Even I was picking a lot, I don’t feel enough and always wanted more. How selfish and naive these thoughts are! All about “I”, “me”, “mine”, and how much suffering it had caused to this virtue “I”! Even I’ve earned a lot, I wasn’t in a peaceful state at all. The never fulfilled greed and desire brings so much misery in me.
This season, something has changed. I no longer feeling this! Maybe some moment the thought tried to sneak in, but very quickly I could be aware of it and just observe it without doing anything else. Then of course it goes away, in the law of nature. More than that I am feeling, there’s no point to fight against each other because everyone is me, I am everyone, so if someone got the benefit, means I got the benefit too. I have a clear picture I could easily manifest what I want without putting so much effort especially fighting to get the best row or picking lane. If anytime I lost the balance of mind, simply get back to observation and awareness, knowing everything is impermanent, so there’s no point I’m clinging for this changing situation.
And I realise, that’s actually a liberations, from one of my sufferings.
There are more, of course. We have so uncountable clinging to so much. But this experience shows me there’s really a chance to come out of it. Don’t react with craving or aversion, do nothing, just observe, one day you’ll come out from ALL your miseries.
Be patient, it takes time.
Better days are coming.
