xiaoxi25

这一年的岁数在最喜欢的数字，真的非常喜欢，虽然它终会过去，但此时此刻我能全心的感受。

我又好了，一个星期半之后，又找到了生活的平衡。当生活的方方面面都平衡了，卡点的地方自然就通顺了，又可以自在地跟随生命的流动，而毫不费力。

下一波浪潮仍会袭来，不知道会是什么时候，我又不好了。但生活一直如此，高低起伏着也未曾停歇。重要的是能保持内心的平衡，平静地看待所有的变化。因为懂得它们都会逝去，因此不执著，因为不执著，所以能做到真正的平静。

就算现在的我无法无时无刻都这样，但一旦发现失衡，我能退回一步去观察自己，让升起的烦恼发生，只是观察而不参与，让它自然过去。这个【发现】的过程越来越快，越来越快就注意到，也就能更早脱离痛苦。

以前要用几年才能释怀的，现在几个星期，或几天就放手了。就算是别人带给我的，所谓的【伤害】，其实也是因为自己不愿放手，这些伤害才真的给我带来了痛苦。当我放下了这个解释，不去赋予这个事件任何意义，那这个事件就只是一个事件，它与我毫无关系，也就失去了【伤害】本身的意义。

并不是因为我成为了一个烂好人，能接受别人给我的这些伤害，而是我不再执着于过去，这些【我被伤害】的故事情节。

放下了执着，内心深处的平静和安详就涌现了出来。我便能去祝福，祝福这些事件，祝福这些“我的”伤害。没有了“我”，就没有了后面的一切痛苦。

无我。

anatta.

25岁，活在我最喜欢的数字，有许多的发生，有很多结束和开始。注定如此，所以从小就特别喜欢25号。25岁不是永恒的，也无所谓，就如世界上的所有事一样，我们连一刻都留不住。

但最好的是，在这一年我得到了此生最宝贵的礼物，以前种下的种子适时发芽，让我如实地明白，内心真正的平静、喜悦、和谐、爱 —— 生命的本来面目，原来是这样。像海洋一样。我浅浅地碰到了海水，越深入，越发现这是一片无限的海洋，每一次，都像是第一次见到一样，都觉得之前的每一次潜入，都只是浅浅地碰到了它。

目前的我，这还是一条很长的路，但也是一条走了就难以回头的路。因为任何潜入过这片海洋的人，生命的真相的海洋，无法抗拒这份圆满的爱，也无法抗拒去分享这份爱，内心真正的平静。这是最后的追求，最终的圆满。

生活中任何的目标和成就，都无法带给我们真正的圆满，只有内心真的圆满了，整个外在的生活才圆满了。

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25岁还有两个月！生为人类的me，还是有点clinging！就纪念一下美好的一年吧～

💜

Slow down

 

Equanimity - a balanced mind. Not reacting with craving or aversion.

I thought I no longer like city, yes it’s still chaotically too much traffic, crowded, fast-paced, busy, but I don’t mind anymore.

Travelling from here to there, city or country, developed or developing, crowded or deserted, hot or cold, doesn’t matter, they have no difference - impermanence, this will also change.

Life goes on

anicca

Everything is constantly changing. 

I wish I could love myself completely from moment to moment. Sometimes I forget about that, but it’s okay, this too shall pass.

It’s okay that things change, people change. But something is there forever, the unchangeable, the ultimate truth, the truth of life. It is always there, from moment to moment, every moment aware, every moment equanimous, awareness and equanimous, will get you to the ultimate truth, and ultimate peace.

It is love. The nature of life is love, heaven, nivarna, whatever name you give to it, doesn’t matter. The truth is the truth. 

Words is one of the ways I heal myself, and reconnect, so I’ve been writing a lot recently. I miss the old days sometimes, behind the scenes there are regrets which hurt sometimes. I thought I could be easy on myself, but apparently not all the time. Which is okay, because this will also change.

So I accept the reality now - I am having attachments , that makes me sad. People leave. I shall know all relationship has an end, that’s the law of nature. Every single one we met in our life, mean for a goodbye. 

It’s okay though. I know the sorrow will get weaker and weaker every time it comes, one day it will be all gone. Accept the reality from moment to moment, observe objectively. I’m glad I have a way out, with words, and vipassana meditation, I can always be back to the completeness and understanding of impermanence. Healing becomes easier. 

If these unpleasant sensations never shows, I will never be able to eradicate them from the deepest depths of my life. It’s good that this is happening, welcome, welcome. It’s really good, I have this chance to come out from my misery. Thank you so much, thank you.

Home

It’s full moon today. It reminds me of someone. I once met a person who told me that, some people meditate for the whole night when it’s full moon, it’s one of their practices. The next day I saw him, I asked, “Did you meditate all night last night?” He smiled, shyly: “No! No.” And humbly, “it was a good sit though.”

My last full moon was magical. Four of us went to a bush walk to see the glow worm. It was a clear night, stars were above us, glow worm at the bottom, moonlight shinning on the branches and leaves. Every step we took is surrounded with Dhamma vibration - the law of nature. From moment to moment. As it is, as it is.

Even I am out of the place now, these little moments still give me the peaceful vibration, here and now, without any restrictions of space and time. So I know I am loved, and supported, as anyone else, even when I’m at the worst time - sad, feeling unworthy and down. But it will pass for sure, as everything else in the world.

Anicca. Anicca. Anicca.

Impermanence.

You could never unlearn them, the seeds were planted deep inside, one day it will sprout, and grow. But I have to work, work hard to take care of it, diligently and persistently, so that it sprouts and grows. One day it becomes a tree, strong enough and no longer requires the care, then it returns with fruits and protection - from all the misery. 

So now I am home. With the seeds. It’s been a hard work, but I want to keep going. As everything else it’s hard to start off, but once the hard work is done it will become easy. I want to make this happen, to do this strong determination for a year. I want to keep growing on the path, for myself and all the beings. May I develop love and goodwill, peace and harmony, and share with all beings.  

接受当下的现实 - 我承认自己难过。在夜深人静的时候，在毫无防备的时候，这些悲伤偶尔袭来，说我不值得，我不被爱，我不够好。但它的力度越来越弱，也会越来越弱，有一天会被完全消融。因为它们不是事实。我知道真正的自己是什么，真相是什么。它们来的时候，会像乌云一样遮盖太阳，但就算乌云来了，太阳一直都在。就让它随风而散，最终离去。

无论你遭遇过什么，谁曾经让你受伤，都不要忘记有人在无条件的爱着你。或许是你的家人，朋友，爱人，或许不一定是你想要的那个人，但你永远都会被爱着，被支持着。如果眼前有缺口，请你往后看看这一整片的爱。愿你难过的时候，知道自己有出口，有人能说，有人会陪你。无论是哪一种形式，都是这个宇宙对你的爱。

I appreciate everyone who have/had shared their lives with me.  Those who are still here, thank you so much for being with me. It’s so important that you are here along my journey, even we might not see each other so often, or we are in very far distance - the moments we have/ had are beyond time and space, I can still feel it every now and then. Thank you for all the love.